The Atlantic - Latest Comments in Megan Gets Married

Re: Megan Gets Married

Bequm Solgul — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 01:32:47 -0000

Thank you for the article was very useful article facebook video

Re: Megan Gets Married

Guster — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 10:14:42 -0000

I'm not conflating marriages and weddings--I'm doing just the opposite. And I'm not sure that I'm the one mistaking his own limits with everyone else's. I'm saying that if you don't give a shit about marriage (and I don't), you can still enjoy a wedding. It's a great excuse for a party.

Obviously, if you don't have the time or money, if you dislike parties or don't have friends, if you're wanted by the FBI or in a coma or hiding from a stalker, or for any number of other reasons, you might choose not to have a wedding. (I don't actually think that the -only- reason to get married is to throw a party, as I'm sure there are people for whom the ritual is meaningful; that was hyperbole, to.)

What I'm trying to say, in a glib way that's clearly not making the point, is that if one truly doesn't care about getting married, then having a wedding makes -exactly- as much sense as not having a wedding. The choice is simply between a party and no party.

Re: Megan Gets Married

lebecka — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 10:08:31 -0000

I don't know about this. As a married couple with three kids, we're not banking anything-- we're making it through month-by-month. If I lost my job, it would devastate our family. We got our house by getting a 100% mortgage and a seller assist on the closing costs. Otherwise, we'd still be renting.

Many of the couples I know that had down payments got those down payments from their parents or grandparents. You can get that whether or not you're married.

However, i am down with getting rid of the marriage tax break. Fair is fair.

Re: Megan Gets Married

lebecka — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 09:57:28 -0000

I was impressed with Stacy's football knowledge as well!! That's how I figured out he wasn't a girl-- I have never met a woman with his football knowledge (or interest in football, btw) although it is standard for many guys.

Re: Megan Gets Married

lebecka — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 09:53:29 -0000

And I hope you have both chocolate _and_ strawberry cake when you celebrate.

Re: Megan Gets Married

lebecka — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 09:51:20 -0000

But, TNC, You _are_ missing out on that waffle maker, not to mention the glass punchbowls, matching towels and washcloths, and 400 thread count sheets.

What are you gonna do, buy them yourself?

Re: Megan Gets Married

lebecka — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 09:45:33 -0000

Megan-- Condescending? No, really, you think so?

Re: Megan Gets Married

Persia — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 09:16:37 -0000

I know very few single folks who can bank much of anything.

May I point out that that's also because coupled folks have two incomes and the inherent savings.

Re: Megan Gets Married

Persia — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 09:13:58 -0000

Don't change your name! I've gotten used to it.

Re: Megan Gets Married

Persia — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 09:13:21 -0000

Of maybe you don't like parties, and you're happy as you are...crazy talk. (I'm married, but I don't understand why people care so much about other people getting married, or not.

Re: Megan Gets Married

Persia — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 09:12:16 -0000

Eh, I still find it creepy. Maybe I just watch too much true crime.

Yeah, Megan has trouble seeing outside her social circle.

Re: Megan Gets Married

Ta-Nehisi Coates — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 21:05:17 -0000

So true. And we're mirroring each other. Me and Kenyatta are about to celebrate our 11th year together.

Re: Megan Gets Married

ErinSiobhan — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 16:57:58 -0000

Or you don't get married because you were too busy being pregnant, moving back and forth between Europe and Canada, working on several complex projects, nursing a dying father, comforting a devastated mother, and you really just didn't have time to organize a party to formalize an arrangement which is already working out pretty well for you.

Flash forward eleven years, a house, a couple of kids, and two cars in the driveway - suddenly I realize that maybe life has calmed down enough to have that party, get that piece of paper, and then I say, meh, why bother? If it was important to me, I would have done it long ago.

Which isn't to detract from marriage. Symbols and rituals can be very important. Just don't expect your symbols and rituals to hold the same meaning for others.

Re: Megan Gets Married

Byrk — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 16:56:31 -0000

Unless you double all the money eligibility requirements then you start punishing dual income couples that decide to get married. At the higher tax brackets dual income married couples will typically pay more in taxes than their single counterparts.

Think about it, if you're single making $60K a year you qualify. If you left the income requirements the same for married couples then a couple making $40K each would not qualify.

Re: Megan Gets Married

Jennifer D. — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 16:02:48 -0000

There's a whole lotta people doing the same thing about babies, like no one has ever had a baby before.

Re: Megan Gets Married

sanjuroku — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 15:59:52 -0000

I wish Megan would police her comments a bit more. That place can gets nutty on a regular basis. Perhaps she can get some tips from TNC.

Re: Megan Gets Married

Ta-Nehisi Coates — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 15:28:51 -0000

It's fine. I just want to be clear that I'm not out hear waving the flag for anything. We're feeling my way through this stuff, seeing where it takes us.

Re: Megan Gets Married

Karin Robinson — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 14:48:57 -0000

"I just doubt that what's your truth is everyone's truth."

Well, so do I. In fact I'm 100% sure that my truth wouldn't work for most folks. Which is why I specified that this was all what was the case, "for me, anyway." But the point I was trying to make is that I made a wrong judgement about my own reaction to the experience of marriage, and that realising I had made a wrong judgement has dramatically changed not only my view of the institution, but my understanding of the subtle ways it acts upon us.

No one should marry if they don't want to, but people thinking about this question also need to weigh the understanding that humans really aren't very good at understanding what makes them happy - there's a startling amount of social science research that keeps finding versions of this fact again and again. I thought that the thing that would ultimately make me happiest was total control over the terms of my relationship. It turned out, however that the pre-fabricated social construct was a surprisingly good fit for our needs.

I don't expect anyone to have exactly my experience, but surely it's worth sharing - even as one data point among many.

However, I really do apologise for my sloppy language. I didn't mean to suggest that you lecture people. I meant to be self depracating, not insulting. The two sentances were not meant to be connected in that way. 1) I used to feel the way you do - specifically, I once would have strongly agreed with this paragraph in your earlier post:

"That gets at the essential truth for me--a relationship couldn't be about talking to other people. It couldn't be about telling other people what I was gonna do; it had to be about the actual work. From that perspective, a wedding was abominable to me. It was the antithesis of everything I wanted--a vain spectacle of love, when love is to be demonstrated, it is to be done, it is to be worked like a job. Was it Andrew who said religion is what you do when no one is looking? That was what we wanted out of our relationship. To always be about our business when no one was looking, and then when people were looking they would see the truth."

However, that 2) unlike you, I was prone to talking about this, something that I now regret doing. Especially since I turned out to be so spectacularly wrong about my OWN experience.

Re: Megan Gets Married

Plinko — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 14:41:45 -0000

Clever names will only make people think you're crazier than you already are.

Re: Megan Gets Married

zacksback — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 14:33:30 -0000

I'm single. Every year, my tax attorney says the same thing when I look in shock at what I hand over to Uncle Sam, even after the charitable and itemized deductions: "That's the best I can do. You want a smaller hit, get married or get pregnant. Preferably both."

I think marriage is a civil right. I think gay folks should be able to get married like white, straight Meg and all folks should be able to not get married like black, straight T-N.

What I abhor is the idea that the status automatically confers privileges and perks on behalf of the federal government that are built on the backs of those of us who are single.

Look at income limits: You get the $8000 tax break for new home buyers if you're single and earn a max of $75,000. If you're married, you get a max of $150,000. In other words, if I'm single and I earn $80K, I'm penalized. If I'm married and I earn $75K and my spouse earns $75K, suddenly I'm eligible. The household income DOUBLES, and we get the break! Shouldn't tax breaks lean towards households who earn *less* income, not more?

And you know what? Unless we've got children, our expenses didn't change -- not that much. Look how many couples save up to buy a home by saying, "We can live on my salary and (%) of his/hers and bank the other (%)." I know very few single folks who can bank much of anything.

Another example: My elderly dad is very ill. My elderly mom is spending down their money on health aides until, eventually, there will be nothing left and they're eligible for Medicaid. If my dad dies, she gets his Social Security benefits to help her out. If the man was my elderly brother, and his caretaker was me, his elderly sister, spending our money down to nothing and he died? No benefits for me, I'm not the spouse. I'm on my own.

Married or not, T-N, you know what you and Kenyatta spent before your son was born and what you spend now. Having a kid is a huge expense; that's why parents (should and do) get tax breaks whether they are single or married. I fully support dependent-children anything. But federal largess distributed to couples just because they signed a piece of paper? Please.

Re: Megan Gets Married

brucds — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 14:30:58 -0000

That commenter isn't even creepy - just kind of dumb and obviously intent on broadcasting it.

What I don't get - since I snuck a peek at the post - is why McCardle thinks her believing in marriage as an expression of comittment and all of the other virtues associated with it is "outre." I guess I'm nitpicking here, but if someone thinks that their reaffirmation of what is, no fault but inevitably in this case, conventional "wisdom" is actually "outre" in their apparently hipper-than-thou milieu, I think they might have way too high an opinion of themselves and their social circles. Maybe...just maybe...if Jean-Paul Sartre had married Simone de Beauvoir it could have seemed "outre." But that's as far as I'm prepared to go with the "so conventional it's blowing all our friend's minds" thing.

Re: Megan Gets Married

Ta-Nehisi Coates — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 14:16:24 -0000

I make that assumption because I cannot fathom anyone being anti-wedding unless they're, as you say, 'acting against something'. You can eat like a pig, and everyone has to laugh at your jokes. What's not to like?

I've explained what I don't like in pretty lengthy detail. What's fascinating to me is that that isn't enough. Your point about what you can't fathom is key--but you mistake your own limits of understanding for everyone else's limits. In other words, your takeaway isn't, "I don't understand this, but that could be because of who I am," it's "I don't understand this, so therefore this person against my cherished rituals."

It's like I can't enjoy chocolate cake, unless all my neighbors eat with me--and then agree with me that chocolate cake is the best cake ever made, and anyone who eats strawberry shortcake clearly is anti-chocolate cake.

Re: Megan Gets Married

Stacy — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 13:59:44 -0000

Sorry, I think I'm just going to start going by another name. I need to think of something clever...

Re: Megan Gets Married

Ta-Nehisi Coates — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 13:59:03 -0000

Hey TNC, I have to say - I once felt exactly the same way you feel about marriage. I was prone to lectures about how a relationship is between two people, I don't need a certificate to validate that we are together, blah blah blah.

No offense, but you did not feel exactly the same way. I'm not prone to lecturing anyone. Ask me about my relationship, and I'll tell you. But that's about it. I don't doubt the power of vows for your marriage. I just doubt that what's your truth is everyone's truth.

Re: Megan Gets Married

kekemen — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 13:46:29 -0000

LOL excellent! I was like this Stacy is waaaay tricky!